I want to
preface this post with the following...
1. Anyone who knows me and is reading this knows that I would go through hell
to move heaven and earth for the people I love. That's just a fact.
2. I am an extremely private person and there might be two people in the entire
world that know everything about me and that I would go to with anything.
3. I was told that I am closed off and hot and cold and SO private that it
makes me a difficult person to talk to or comfort or reach out to. And thus
part of the motivation for this post.
I have thought
long and hard about whether or not to write this. This blog is about my life in
France. Well the sad part is that when I really thought about it these things
are just that; my life in France. I have wanted to live in another country for
a long time. I had always regretted not studying abroad in college and when a friend of
mine decided to be an au pair I figured what a great way to see the world. Well
I never followed her lead. I never did a lot of things because my life was on a
different trajectory and I gave up a lot of my dreams and made a lot of sacrifices.
Do I wish my magic crystal ball was working at the time and let me see into the
future every time I gave up something? Hell fucking yes I do. Does it matter
now? Nope. So I file it all away in some chapter of my life and move on.
I have wondered when the time will come that I will
forget certain things in life. Being dumped after 6 and a half years with a guy
is definitely one of those times. Recently several things have happened and
conversations have taken place that make me feel like I need to say
something. Now that we know all the reasons why I am even bothering to write
this we might as well get on with it. I should say some names and places have
been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
I met Steve when I was 20 years old. I had just gotten
out of something messy and so did he so neither of us wanted to seriously date
anyone which was fine. We had fun hanging out, eating together and watching
movies. Normal stuff. Eventually that turned into something more and we dated.
We dated for a long time. Longer than some people are married. During that time
we went through a lot of things. Jobs, death, reaching goals, traveling; I mean
after that long you pretty much go through it all. You make a lot of memories,
you meet a lot of people, you make a life together and that is exactly what had
happened.
After we graduated college we stuck around our college
town, neither of us wanting to leave each other and so we took jobs and worked
and lived and eventually he went back to school. After some point Steve
realized what he wanted to do in life and I still hadn’t reached that point. (Believe
it or not knowing what I want to do did not come for me until I moved to France
and really had time to evaluate my life and my goals and what I wanted.) With
that being said, I started to give up a lot of things so that Steve could
achieve his goals. I am not saying this because I want pity or I am looking for
people to feel sorry for me. I made the decisions I made and I am where I am in
life. But I moved, lived places I didn’t want to, I stayed in long distance
relationships, I traveled to be supportive, I wrote letters, I made phone calls,
I drove A LOT, I spent my weekends with him, I traveled to spend time with his
friends. (A good portion of our relationship was at a distance, even in the
beginning because his family was living in Australia. We had overcome an 11
hour time difference in the beginning of things when it was still new and fresh
and we were still getting to know each other and trust each other.) I did
everything I could because I figured if I had no idea what I wanted out of
life, I could at least give my support and attention to the guy I loved and his
dreams. It made a lot of sense at the time and really, it still makes sense to
me now. I probably would think about things differently if I had to make those
decisions again, but at that time, it was the right decision to make.
Steve very suddenly and out of the blue broke up with a
week after my birthday. Now, I don’t really like my birthday, it’s not a HUGE
deal to me but Steve went out of his way to make it special in several
different ways. All the more reason I was in complete shock. I ran a lot of
things through my mind and one of them was that there was someone else. At this
point we had been doing a long distance thing for like two years or something
ridiculous. Nearly every weekend I went to see Steve and I drove the two hours
to the town where he lived to see him. Sometimes he came to see me, but because
of his work it was better for me to go there. So every Friday I would pack up my
dogs and my bags and drive two hours to his house. Again, I am not complaining.
Steve was chasing his dreams and I was being as supportive as possible given
our situation. I wanted him to be happy and I was just happy being with him.
Anyway, I specifically asked Steve if there was someone else and I gave him the
opportunity to come clean. After 6.5 years I figured I deserved the truth.
Steve denied the fact and just gave me a reason. (as it turns out, I would
later find out that Steve gave different reasons to other people as to why we
broke up and they were never consistent reasons…) Well, I figured this was it,
I was absolutely devastated and I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn’t
cry on the phone when he ended things. On the phone, after 6.5 years…let that
sink in. I waited till we were done then I lost my shit. I admit it. I
completely and utterly lost it. My sister ended up coming to stay with me for a
few weeks because I had no idea what the fuck was going on with my life. This
guy I thought I would marry and have kids with dumped me out of the blue, I was
living in a town I hated to be close to him, and I was working a job that was
totally irrelevant to my skill set because I was close to him and trying to have a life. I
decided to try and handle this as gracefully as I could. And I did. The only
thing I demanded from Steve was to attend a wedding with me the following
weekend. We had already RSVPd and I had no desire to show up without a date and
try to explain to my friends why he wasn’t there. So, I said I would pay for
everything if he would just go with me. And he did.
Well I had a week to think about things and just get my
thoughts together before the wedding. That entire week Steve texted me every
day, which only made my life harder. And I answered as cordially as possible
and just kept on with the week. I had decided that I would give a speech, one
last effort and say what I wanted to say and make sure that he knew that being
apart wasn’t what I wanted. In the past in our relationship Steve had given
these speeches about staying together because we would hit a rough patches and
I wanted to break things off. Steve was so adamant about how we could work,
that I always stayed. I figured it was up to me to do that this time. It was
nearly pathetic but I didn’t want to break up, not at all and I wanted an
honest reason as to why he was doing it. I gave my speech, he said no. I asked
again about someone else and he said no.
A few weeks before all this, I had flown out to LA for a job
interview and I found out after the wedding that they were offering me the job.
Well it was sink or swim time. I needed to decide if I was going to take the
job. For whatever reason, I had gotten on the au pair website my friend had previously
recommended. So while all this bullshit was going on I was interviewing to
leave the country. Oh yea, I started doing that. I was so upset and I had no
idea how to start my life over, at least that was how it felt so I figured, why
the fuck not! Let’s move to another country where you don’t speak the language
and move in with complete strangers. Think about that. I was hurting. Bad. So I
turned down the offer in LA and I found a family and decided to move to France.
As it turned out, and I wouldn’t learn about this till a
few weeks after the wedding, Steve called all of our mutual friends and told
them what happened. By the time I found out I was so shocked by this that I let
it go without confronting Steve or even our friends. Steve however, did not
bother to tell his family. So I had several conversations with his mother about
how she couldn’t wait to see us and see their new home in Montana and spend
time with them and how much she loved and missed me. Having those conversations
3 days after have your heart ripped out is literally the worst. (It doesn’t
help that i didn't only lose Steve but I lost people who were nearly
family, his family. People I had become close to, people who had shared major
life events with me, all gone, with zero contact) Plenty of people asked
why I didn’t just tell Steve’s mom. Well, I wasn’t going to be the one that
outted him, it wasn’t my business to tell. But, Steve sure as shit let all our friends
know. I have wondered lately if this was done on purpose…
Speaking of my friends. I told about three people about
the breakup. None of those people were mutual friends. I wasn’t about to make
something awkward with our mutual friends. At the same time, a good majority of
our mutual friends knew, thanks to Steve, and no one said a word to me. Not a word. So not only
had I decided to take my broken heart and move my ass to France but I felt really
alone. I knew people knew and some of those people I would lay my life on the
line for. I didn’t tell anyone I was moving to France so I guess that was some
payback. I told my family, and I told some close friends, I had a party and I
left.
About a month after the breakup I was informed by an
anonymous source that Steve had a girlfriend, let’s call her Felicia. Now, I
have my suspicions and information and it is hard for me to believe he didn’t
cheat on me. And honestly, make you own judgments, gather your own facts. I
never said a word to Steve about this. It was the day before I was leaving for
France and I got this metaphorical punch to the face. If I could put into words
how I felt, I would. I was in shock. It was hard to believe, to imagine, especially
after Steve was the one that was crying when we last said good bye. Steve is
the one that “wanted to be friends”. You would think after all that time
together…anyway, I was speechless. And the way I had received the information
was icing on the chocolate cake which is my life. I cut myself off from social
media and a hell of a lot of other things after this. I didn’t want to field
questions or see anything. I just didn’t. I wanted to do what I had to do to
leave the country and get the fuck out.
At some point Steve un-friended me on Facebook…ooooh no
he didn’t…and other weird things were happening to me on social media. I didn’t
totally get it because we were supposed to be “friends” and I had no contact
with him. At all. Literally none. I don’t even know how I found out or why but
I did. This kind of hurt, in a weird way. It was a few months after we had
broken up and even a few months after he started dating Felicia. I wasn’t trying
to ruin them or break them up and I certainly wasn’t harassing them in anyway.
I am not sure why I was so bothered, it’s social media for god sake, but it
felt personal and it felt like I was doing something wrong and getting in
trouble for it. I haven’t done anything wrong since I haven’t done a damn
thing.
Because I know Steve really well, maybe better than he
knows himself, when he started dating this new girl, I said to my friends, he
is going to marry her. From the beginning. Well fast forward about seven-eight
months and that, in fact, is happening. Again, this information came to me in a
really wonderful way. I hadn’t thought about Steve or Felicia in a really long
time. My life was working here and working well. After this metaphorical spit
to the face I was again speechless. But what do you do? Just because you can’t
personally imagine getting engaged a minute after getting out a 6.5 year
relationship doesn’t mean that is how others think. Again, the emotions and
feelings all came back and it takes time to process them and figure out what to
do even though it doesn’t actually concern you. As usual I kept my mouth shut
and went on with my life and honestly, I had been expecting this from the
beginning. Whatever Steve’s reasons for proposing are, they are his own. I hope
life doesn’t get too complicated and things work out for them. I can’t imagine
how life would stay uncomplicated at this point but hopefully it works. Even
shitty people deserve happiness.
I am a very opinionated person most of the time but at
the same time I pride myself on being extremely open minded. I don’t know if I
ever want to get married and god knows someone couldn’t make me get married for
ANY reason except love. Love and understanding and commitment. I take marriage
seriously and maybe that is why I never pushed marriage with Steve, who knows.
But I also hope that Steve doesn’t have to miss out on his dreams. He worked
really hard to get to where he is and he was so passionate about what he
wanted. It is one of the things I loved about him. I hope that he is able to
continue on the same path and get the things he wanted and worked so hard for.
God knows it came at a cost to others. But hopefully he is making decisions
that will still allow him to reach his goals.
I really have tried to handle the break up
and all the bullshit that seemed to come after gracefully. It has
been one of the hardest things in the world, but I have been trying. Since the
wedding, I have had NO contact with Steve. None of any kind at all. Even after
each of these things has happened I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t and don’t want
to be that girl. I want to move on. I want to be a better person. I want to
look back and be proud of who I was in this, but part of me feels like I am
still involved in something I am not and never actually was involved
in. Things happen that make me say…what?! And I can’t figure it out.
Since moving to France and having the experience with
Steve, I have changed. I have changed a lot. If I didn’t, what would be the
point? Steve left for some reason, whatever that was, and I knew I wasn’t my
best self. This isn’t about bashing Steve for our relationship. I just want it
known that I am moving on. I don’t ask our friends questions about Steve, ever.
Even when they bring it up. Ask them. It hasn’t happened and it won’t. God
knows Steve doesn’t have to ask our friends about me since I keep putting my
life all over the internet. I am happy here. I am happy in my life. I have some amazing
opportunities and I can’t live in the past or I will never move forward. Steve
isn’t my future anymore…my future is wide open.
Before I met Steve I had what I like to call and edge. At
some point in 6.5 years I kind of lost it. Since moving here, I found it again.
I think that is partly because of the French people as a whole; they are
amazing and confident and almost arrogant but that’s how life is here. I
started losing weight without trying, I found something to do that I love and I
got to really think about who I am and what I want and who and what I want to
be. When I went home for vacation people said they didn’t even recognize me and
if you talk to my now and spend any time with me my entire outlook on things is
different. I am so thankful for this opportunity and I live a charmed life. I
might have scars but I live a very charmed life. I won’t sit here and pretend
like I don’t get sad sometimes and that sometimes that sadness isn’t caused by
Steve or memories of us and our life because I’d be lying. But there is the
difference, I am moving on. I might be sad for a long time specially when it
comes to certain memories but I AM MOVING ON. I am happy, I am in shape, I get
to eat amazing food, I constantly get to have priceless experiences, I know
what I want to do with my life now and I have had several big and interesting job
opportunities present themselves. I can’t live in the past. I can’t dwell on
the past. I have a now and I have a future.
I have tried to be incredibly mature about this entire
thing even when I have been so mad or so upset that I didn’t want to be. All
the times I might have wanted to shout and scream and cuss someone out. But
again, I am moving on. Like I said before, I don’t talk to our mutual friends about Steve, and when
they bring it up I say that I have nothing to say. I don’t want any of our
friends to be in weird situations or positions and I would never ask them to
pick sides. That would be really fucked up. I don’t really tell them my
feelings on the things that have happened and I stick to my guns on it. Even
really close mutual friends. It wouldn’t be fair. I barely keep in touch with most
people since I have been here. I reach out when I need to or when good things
happen. I am not out searching for information on Steve because I just don’t
really care. I never thought this is where I would be in life but it is. And I
might as well embrace it and see where it takes me. I wanted to travel and share
the experiences I am having with someone special, who wouldn’t want to, but I
have learned so much about myself and the world that I wouldn’t trade it for
anything.
Again, good luck to Steve and Felicia. I
have nothing holding me back. I am not out searching for information on the two
of you and I am not going to be the one to put our friends in a shitty
situation. I refuse. Life is hard sometimes and things might cold cock you in
the face but hey, what doesn’t kill you make you stronger right? Or insert
whatever other cliché you think is relevant. I have the best friends in the
entire world and I wouldn’t be here without them. I wouldn’t be thinner and a
sort of runner, into new things or most importantly, brave and different without getting my ass
dumped. Life is beautiful and I am going to live it as best I can because I had
put living, really living, on pause for a while.
Title quote: This is from an Avicii song called Nights.
Listen to it here
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